Of What Are We Afraid?

In this country we talk about trusting G-d, and life after death, and heaven, but do we really believe what we're talking about?  Doesn't trusting G-d also mean realizing His plan includes numbered days for His people?  Yesterday I came to a new understanding about health care and my beliefs.  I awoke in the middle of the night, early Wednesday morning, and spent til dawn in prayer.   Upon arising, I experienced tightness in my chest, shortness of breath, and fingers pale with bluish nails . . .

I don't go to doctors, and I'm not condemning those who do.  We must all work out our own salvation with fear and trembling.   I don't go to doctors because I do not believe our Creator uses gashing of the flesh or pharmaceuticals in healing.  I believe He is my Healer and He uses Messiah and sometimes His followers in laying hands on, and He created so many wonderful remedies in what we call nature.

These episodes happened four times that day.  I did anoint myself with oil, prayed and literally prepared to meet my Maker.  Sounds dramatic I know, since I'm obviously alive and typing, but at the time these episodes occurred, it felt pretty intense.  Let me tell you what did go through my mind.

First, when I realized how pale my hands were, I thought, 'I look like a white woman . . .' then I noticed the bluish nails and thought I better investigate further.  Upon looking in the mirror, my face appeared flushed, so then I thought I looked like a sick woman . . .  I didn't feel as bad as I thought I looked and with just a little tightness, decided I'd probably slept in a funny position and laid on my hand or something . . .

I had a business day in town scheduled, where it happened again.  This time the tightness in my chest was very noticeable.  There was a clear and concise line across my hands where it looked like the circulation simply stopped, and my feet felt tingly.  It was then that I thought of my cousin who was just about a year older than me, who died nearly two years ago of what is presumed a heart attack.  At that time, I didn't want to feed the fear, so I literally chose to think of something else.  I did pray, not asking YHWH to heal me, but to help me "fear not" and have the mind of Messiah . . . Immediately Philippians 4:8 came to mind.

The third time happened in the grocery store on the dog food aisle, and the tightness in my chest was unmistakable, as was the discoloration of my hands.  It was then that the idea came to mind that perhaps I did need to get my affairs in order, as I had written down a number on a bill board just a couple of weeks ago regarding "final disposition."  I'm not from here originally, and I've been out of the funeral industry for 20 years, so when I noticed the sign, I wrote down the number.   As I stood there in the grocery store contemplating my funeral arrangements, I didn't pray, I knew I wasn't afraid.  He had answered my prayer.

The fourth time this event occurred was last night after chores.  As I thought about both of my Grandpas dying of heart problems, one in his 40's and one in his 60's, I realized 55 was right between.  It was enough that I nearly called my oldest daughter to tell her what the banks would require for the kids to access the business accounts, but that would have worried her. I didn't contact my daughter, but I did make notes of where "things" were and I decided it was time to take a break.  I've been working pretty hard on the product line and the Goshen Gazette, not to mention this early winter, so I decided to 'call it a day,' early that night.

I went to bed, really unsure if I was going to awaken in this world by morning.  I remembered how intimate my prayer time had been the night before, and thought perhaps this health situation had been the reason I had awakened.  As I laid down last night, I truly fell asleep knowing, I had nothing to fear if that was my last numbered day.  The last thought and words on lips as I drifted off to sleep was prayer.  I thanked YHWH for Y'hshuwah [salvation], for allowing me to call Him my G-d, and then told Abba, I loved the life He'd given me, but I didn't want to live on this earth past my numbered days.

We speak of wanting G-d's Will and believe me, I embrace life every day in many ways.  I love the life He's given me, but I do know He's numbered my days, and one day past that by artificial means would not be the life He's given me.  I realize my beliefs are politically incorrect and religious rebellion, but it's my conviction, and today is now proof, yesterday wasn't my last numbered day!

Thou wilt show me the path of life: in thy presence is fulness of joy; at thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore.  a Psalm of Holy Scripture