While many denominations and sects are talking about big end time revivals and unity, Paul didn't write about a great increase, he said there would be a great falling away . . . The book of the Revelation certainly doesn't give indication that believers will be in the majority or even in large number. While we watch world events unfold and with enemies of other nations and religions, Messiah made a very ominous statement. He said our enemies would be of our own household. Judas Iscariot attended the Last Supper [Passover Seder.] The enemies of our souls may not aggressively harm our bodies. And a man's foes shall be they of his own household. Matthew 10:36 They may simply introduce confusion into what should be a place and day of peace, they may be emotionally exhausting, be a hindrance in ministry and service, or actually use social expectations for the sake of appearance, which is hypocrisy.
I don't often speak about a couple of areas of my life because it would sound like I'm either complaining or seeking sympathy, and I don't want to do either. My life is blessed, and I am very grateful. There are areas of my life I don't mention frequently because as most of us, I grew up hearing, "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything," but the spiritual ramifications for remaining silent on this matter, override old cliches. I've referred to my private life, primarily in Peculiar Princess, but some events have occurred recently that confirms the need to address the issue in a more public manner. Since the time is now at hand that more of the remnant are reaching out, visiting others, and seeking community fellowship, this is important to share. I'm not sure of the step beyond this one, but I know after five different situations in the last few weeks, this is the next step.
I have MS, RA and refer to myself as undivorced. I don't talk about that part of my life, much. I don't deny any of it, I just don't choose to dwell on it. Many folks suffer greatly with RA, mine is not all that bad. As for MS, my gait is a bit awkward and some days have more symptoms than others, but for the most part, I sometimes just run out of energy and balance . . . All of the good things I share, are factual and far outweigh the things that are just not so good. The grace of YHWH truly is sufficient, and He keeps me physically able to homestead organically, without chemicals and blesses me greatly in my refusal of pharmaceuticals! Desolate wife may be the Scriptural term for my marital status, I'm not sure. I refer to the man who has rejected me, but will not give me a divorce as my last or estranged husband, because this was my last attempt at marriage, and this situation is strange. It has literally taken me years to get over hearing that he didn't know why, he just didn't find me desirable, as a woman . . . I now understand it was YHWH's protection that we not become "one."
There really are no words to describe how hard that was for a middle aged woman to hear, though; and so soon after the wedding. Five months before we were married, I'd stopped by a friend's office to pick up some paperwork, and a young gentleman asked if he could help me. I told him who I needed to see, and when my friend came out, he said, "I knew it was you. The kid described you as 'hot for an old chick.'" Granted that isn't the most flattering term, but the description came from someone probably younger than my own children. I'm aware of the fact that I'm no beauty queen, but the guy who doesn't find me desirable, is no Sam Elliot, either. It was shocking to hear those words from him, as I've been given genuine compliments from very attractive men.
This is still hard to write now, after all these years, because of my own willingness to go along with the "show." The truth is humiliating, but my silence is pride and hypocrisy. There never was that first year to make the wife happy, as mentioned in Deuteronomy 24:5. I got that part wrong, though. I didn't realize it was gender specific, so I did everything to try to please him. Three months into the marriage, I realized my feelings and priorities simply did not matter to him, and he was not "interested" in me as a wife. I pleaded for the fulfillment of Deuteronomy 24:1, but he refused. I don't think I'm harboring a grudge, it's just a wound, that YHWH has comforted and healed. At this point, it's a scar, or I couldn't write about it, but it's a big scar and the guy likes to be a constant reminder. There is comfort in the fact that any attempt at physical intimacy ceased years ago, so living separate lives at the same address is bearable, but I do miss hugs.
Since the Land of Goshen was established to be a place for others to gather or visit in fellowship, the problem is much deeper than a lack of chemistry and rude disregard; it's a spiritual issue. He has chosen against Torah observance, but judges Christianity as wrong. There was no "leave and cleave" as mentioned in Genesis 2:24. He continues to attend his family gatherings alone, as that is how his mother prefers. In all fairness to her, she made her opinion of me very clear before the wedding. Around here he comes and goes as he pleases, and has stated in no uncertain terms, the three things he'll do on the place, and the rest is up to me.
Basically that means when he's here, I have extra cooking and laundry to do and when he's gone, I gather the eggs, and get to ride the four wheeler hauling water to the burro. The rest of my life changes very little according to his involvement or lack thereof. He rarely speaks to me, until I have guests. When we were first married, he told me he thought the worst thing in the world anyone could do, is to give someone the silent treatment. I have matured enough to appreciate another old cliche. Silence is in fact golden!
I was in hopes, again, of a divorce back when I relocated in 2005, but he came along, and in less than two years, fell ill and became disabled. The bandaging and therapy of recovery took nearly two years, and that responsibility fell to me, without anyone in his family offering assistance. He's still disabled, but it was when he was at least able to be up and around, he informed me that he didn't choose to share in my beliefs either. This is the same guy who quit his job at the age of 51 to "keep Sabbath." His mother had already told me "their" feelings about my beliefs, then proceeded to tell me how it was going to be . . . in my home? I've been a servant of YHWH since the mid 90's and never hid my commitment or vow of service to YHWH in dealing with this man or his family. I stand on Numbers 30:14-15 But if her husband altogether hold his peace at her from day to day; then he establisheth all her vows, or all her bonds, which are upon her: he confirmeth them, because he held his peace at her in the day that he heard them. .But if he shall any ways make them void after that he hath heard them; then he shall bear her iniquity. As I said, the stated purpose of this place was made known years ago.
I really can't Scripturally justify leaving, since it was G-d who brought me here, and it would seem really cold to kick a disabled guy out. I don't hate the man. Between his silent treatment and spending his days doing what he wants, this mandated arrangement is usually no big deal, except when it invades my spiritual walk. Please bear with me as I finally get to the point. As I said, the problem I'm facing is the decision to avoid spiritual hypocrisy. For the past several years now, rather than just pretend he didn't realize it got dark, every Friday at sundown, he goes to his room and only comes out for food or drink until Sabbath has ended Saturday evening, UNLESS, someone visits for Shabbat fellowship, then the "Shabbat Show" begins.
Sadly, for the occasion of fellowship I've been a party to this, but I am confessing and repenting. I liked to tell myself, it was respect for him and ease for the guests, but the day doesn't belong to any of us. Shabbat belongs to our Creator. For the time being, I live in a divided house. Folks are still welcome to visit. We clean up and behave pretty nice! (smile) He and I literally live in opposite ends of the home, as the real estate is co-owned. I can smile graciously, when he speaks, using the term "we" and leads the tour of the place on weekdays, but it's another matter when the charade invades Sabbath. Only when there is a guest does he share in Sabbath celebration, and I am to be the "perfect wife" and hostess, and pray when called upon. When I'm invited to speak at local assemblies, he dresses up and takes his place beside me . . . I have prayed for resolution in this situation more times than I asked for healing from MS. YHWH has told me to trust HIM, don't speak of it in my home, and to write this article. To be a part of a Shabbat show is blatant hypocrisy, or worse . . .We are commanded to keep the Sabbath holy. There is no such thing as holy hypocrisy.
Thou hast despised mine holy things, and hast profaned my Sabbaths. Ezekiel 22:8
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